tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-81286080888895376132024-03-13T16:34:47.147+00:00Journey through space - my creativity blogI am an artist and a writer. I use creative means to express my journey through this life. This is my place to show my various creative endeavours. There may even be the occasional rant about anything of interest or annoyance.Lost in Spacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10255087475774273888noreply@blogger.comBlogger47125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8128608088889537613.post-65361729655952284892013-04-23T17:42:00.001+01:002013-04-23T17:42:35.384+01:00Two Paths<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsROPvPKTNIrQi1r1xYOB2nkJueYRZCf59v9Ps9_xDybADHtM6Mg510w34e3qQYOfCBF-j1ueDy1-wg4EWTJ4EHzy2HsnOl2T3KcCP_g6t7bdib8-9M3I4GtCjreTgpLlFF0dWYzgyzg/s1600/'Two+Paths'.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsROPvPKTNIrQi1r1xYOB2nkJueYRZCf59v9Ps9_xDybADHtM6Mg510w34e3qQYOfCBF-j1ueDy1-wg4EWTJ4EHzy2HsnOl2T3KcCP_g6t7bdib8-9M3I4GtCjreTgpLlFF0dWYzgyzg/s320/'Two+Paths'.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Acrylic on canvas, 2012, 20" x 16".<br />
<br />
Not knowing where either path is actually heading, but only knowing that one path is positive (blue, river) and the other is negative (red, blood). Going through the grass these paths cross many times. It is easy to fall off one and on to the other. Positive can become negative and negative can become positive. Not knowing the destination only increases the confusion. I guess this is a pretty good description of life.Lost in Spacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10255087475774273888noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8128608088889537613.post-22898545142493927762013-04-06T18:04:00.001+01:002013-04-06T18:04:32.338+01:00Losing Control<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_Mn8qa6Yqh-j7P1FezqFADrmdmGobkWLGTwqdMc4mRHLVj9CTlkJZbi1CwUoalDtdYO2TDtYYP1gVjQ6yRddmcUs_HKxIW7IQhLEn9j3NebYEd0Lbf-BEfSyTNQj8zE_iyFtxmkjpQQ/s1600/'Losing+Control'.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="280" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_Mn8qa6Yqh-j7P1FezqFADrmdmGobkWLGTwqdMc4mRHLVj9CTlkJZbi1CwUoalDtdYO2TDtYYP1gVjQ6yRddmcUs_HKxIW7IQhLEn9j3NebYEd0Lbf-BEfSyTNQj8zE_iyFtxmkjpQQ/s320/'Losing+Control'.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Acrylic on canvas, 2010, 14.5" x 14.5".<br />
<br />
At the time of painting this I was struggling with being taken over by somebody else and I was losing control of my entire identity. 'Me' was becoming more and more distorted as I became a smaller part of who I was. Hence the circles becoming smaller and more distorted. I don't remember why I chose the chess board design for the background. Perhaps I just thought it looked good. A simple more abstract design seemed to fit what I needed to express.<br />
<br />
----<br />
<br />
As an update from where I was a couple of weeks ago when I wrote my <a href="http://journey-through-space.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/searching-for-something.html">last post</a>, things still aren't that good but I am trying to keep going in the hope that something better has to come soon. Motivation still is a big issue which just sucks.<br />
<br />
I hope everyone reading is ok though.Lost in Spacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10255087475774273888noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8128608088889537613.post-22633711807808078662013-03-27T17:38:00.002+00:002013-03-27T17:38:48.622+00:00Searching for something...But what, I don't know any more.<br />
<br />
It doesn't seem appropriate at this time to post a picture or a poem. But I felt something had to be posted. It seemed at one point that 2013 could be a year of hope, but so far no hope has materialised. I have felt lower than I have for years. Nothing makes sense any more. Trying to escape the negative influences on my life in the hope of finding more positive ones seems so pointless as they always find their way back. I have put up boundaries against family (who are the worst people I have ever had the misfortune to come across) yet they are always walked all over. I have tried desperately to rebuild my life only for it all to fall apart again. Friends try to help but completely miss the point I am making. I haven't even been able to paint since January. Something has been missing, at least since Christmas.<br />
<br />
The end of March was when I gave up drinking, back in 2007. Yet I don't see any point in caring about staying sober. It isn't that I want a drink. I know what a disaster my life was becoming back in my drinking days, that it made my depression so much worse. I just don't want to feel. Drink has always been my go to when things have gotten too much, which is why I can't drink. I am frustrated at always maintaining the status quo when I just want to get out of here onto somewhere I can be accepted for who I really am. Alcohol took me to a different place, not better but just different. And different is what I need.<br />
<br />
I don't know where I can go from here. Nowhere even begins to appeal. I just want to be anywhere but here.Lost in Spacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10255087475774273888noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8128608088889537613.post-31065466625254208652013-03-10T17:07:00.000+00:002013-03-10T17:07:00.519+00:00Bending Time and Reality<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgljfKoL_3yk_CazFON0hOMXB79-HRGCWioux0DJQbfXGtB0I4GKPhBdK_3ESGZf8S6ojKmRbxWHEqMYhVRdTi63DuamrIP9vZViaeJmHY_zLUc_yOLNdnhVJIEP-asOEHj37_hYto17w/s1600/'Bending+Time+And+Reality'.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgljfKoL_3yk_CazFON0hOMXB79-HRGCWioux0DJQbfXGtB0I4GKPhBdK_3ESGZf8S6ojKmRbxWHEqMYhVRdTi63DuamrIP9vZViaeJmHY_zLUc_yOLNdnhVJIEP-asOEHj37_hYto17w/s320/'Bending+Time+And+Reality'.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Acrylic on canvas, 2010, 15" x 8".<br />
<br />
This painting is inspired in part by <a href="http://www.moma.org/collection/object.php?object_id=79018">Salvador Dali's 'The Persistence of Memory' (1931)</a>. I have always loved Dali's work and surrealism is a style that I often feel inspired by, especially when trying to express past delusions through art.<br />
<br />
Back in 2006 when I first got ill I used to believe that I could control time with only the power of my thoughts. For a couple of months I didn't know it but I was slowly running myself into the ground. It was good at the time and very useful to be able to control time, especially when it came to completing my assignments (I was a student at the time). But it all had to come to an end when I had no more energy. I came crashing down into a pretty bad depression, hence the black thought cloud. It wasn't until shortly before painting this that I had made that connection. Never again did I have a 'positive' delusion, but instead only paranoia. Though looking back from where I am now I realise that there was nothing positive about running myself into the ground in this way.<br />
<br />
There is no significance in it being 2:30.Lost in Spacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10255087475774273888noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8128608088889537613.post-83657235371944684152013-02-21T16:56:00.001+00:002013-02-21T16:56:07.470+00:00Light at the End of the Tunnel<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7PRXY58Hdn7kyjQTds9BDYcXfhHcQzA_RZS5OH28_nX6ZR4iY9ibgQuZi1qcDXtYfkyqpzRmzeWYVAw54QvFrsYJoT5xOalQLra23c3omjlQzUiH5Oywwi1gLwQYHMbJS2nXrxFCUEA/s1600/'Light+At+The+End+Of+The+Tunnel'.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7PRXY58Hdn7kyjQTds9BDYcXfhHcQzA_RZS5OH28_nX6ZR4iY9ibgQuZi1qcDXtYfkyqpzRmzeWYVAw54QvFrsYJoT5xOalQLra23c3omjlQzUiH5Oywwi1gLwQYHMbJS2nXrxFCUEA/s320/'Light+At+The+End+Of+The+Tunnel'.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
Acrylic on canvas, 2012, 12" x 15.5".<br />
<br />
A lot further into my recovery I could see more hope. I was more willing to trust the world that by this time I had entered. It wasn't so bad after all. Every day meant climbing further out of the tunnel and towards the light that was reality. At the time of painting this I was on my way out of a mini episode and settling in to a higher dose of medication. Things were difficult but the hope was coming closer. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.Lost in Spacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10255087475774273888noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8128608088889537613.post-77620268769114121042013-02-14T17:35:00.001+00:002013-02-14T17:35:30.206+00:00Prying Eyes (14/12/2010)They look with intent, and they can see<br />
All that lies within my inner soul.<br />
Surrounded by constant prying eyes,<br />
They are everywhere.<br />
Hidden cameras watching our every move.<br />
The only place to hide, inside a toilet cubicle.<br />
No such thing as freedom.<br />
Privacy remains non-existent.<br />
It's not paranoia when they really are out to get you.<br />
Tormented daily by the reality I see,<br />
All that I am aware of.<br />
Even my walls adorned with faces,<br />
They are everywhere.<br />
It is only their way of spying on me.<br />
There is nowhere to hide -<br />
Faces imprinted upon my walls, even in the bathroom.<br />
Ever prying eyes remain my enemy.<br />
It's not paranoia when they really are out to get you.Lost in Spacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10255087475774273888noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8128608088889537613.post-21985631601434396902013-02-04T18:04:00.000+00:002013-02-04T18:04:21.172+00:00Coming Home<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgT0DkeRNcRpTNBn0BcHcBhD-mPf3KS-wtDLh9-6irFOoFq6Ud3W0YmXSsKq1_l_zdqVTXhBtCv9p8__jJjj8kN3Kup-7UGgGVA52MmDJhWfy6NMdbbha5H4rZ-y8y8RUh5H794mNHV6Q/s1600/'Coming+Home'.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgT0DkeRNcRpTNBn0BcHcBhD-mPf3KS-wtDLh9-6irFOoFq6Ud3W0YmXSsKq1_l_zdqVTXhBtCv9p8__jJjj8kN3Kup-7UGgGVA52MmDJhWfy6NMdbbha5H4rZ-y8y8RUh5H794mNHV6Q/s320/'Coming+Home'.jpg" width="247" /></a></div>
<br />
Acrylic on canvas, 2011, 15.5" x 18".<br />
<br />
At the time of painting this, I could see a better world in the future. However I was uncertain whether this new world I could see was actually real. I was experiencing a lot of confusion at the time and this was probably the peak of that confusion. This painting represents punching a hole through everything I knew and planet Earth being on the other side, a message of hope.<br />
<br />
Apologies for the issues with the photo. The words that seem to have fallen off the side are 'Anxiety' and 'Being watched'.Lost in Spacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10255087475774273888noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8128608088889537613.post-41998256997585488192013-01-23T18:15:00.002+00:002013-01-23T18:15:56.105+00:00Update and a couple of poemsWell things aren't too great right now. My mood has dipped. I am frustrated. I just want to be alone. My motivation isn't too great much of the time either. Then I'm just more frustrated. I had hoped that come January I would be feeling better, but this has just dragged on and we aren't too far off February. Hopefully soon a positive change will come.<br />
<br />
At least I have my painting, that thankfully I am still enjoying. I am in the middle of one at the minute.<br />
<br />
But for now I will post a couple of poems that I wrote back in May 2011. That was a time of great confusion, very early on in mental health treatment. The poems I have chosen express how I felt at the time. They are on a similar theme so it made sense to post them together.<br />
<br />
----<br />
<br />
<b><u>Hologram</u> (8/5/2011)</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
I am an hologram.<br />
I no longer exist,<br />
Simply made of light,<br />
Only there for him to project his thoughts onto.<br />
I don't know why he did this to me.<br />
What is this 'me' anyway?<br />
I know who I used to be<br />
Before I was taken over by him.<br />
<br />
I am rebuilding myself -<br />
Rebuilding the truth, who I always was.<br />
Blocking out the endless mind control,<br />
Who'd have thought<br />
It could be medicated out of existence?<br />
He tried so much to take over me,<br />
But no more will I allow him to succeed.<br />
I am not an hologram.<br />
<br />
----<br />
<br />
<b><u>Searching</u> (11/5/2011)</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
The muddled mess I'm in...<br />
Confusion never goes away.<br />
When will I ever find the truth?<br />
Constant worry,<br />
Fearing what is next.<br />
I can see in the distance<br />
A better future -<br />
A world without conspiracy<br />
Or persecution.<br />
But is it real?<br />
How can a drug induced feeling be real?<br />
Losing the plot,<br />
In search of a better world.<br />
How will I ever know?Lost in Spacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10255087475774273888noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8128608088889537613.post-60855957975606535192013-01-10T17:38:00.000+00:002013-01-10T17:38:04.043+00:00Muddled<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEaJqjLLqkAgcFkhMZnYq3L10G4KCgCOycmSSn0FgY10C-r6P4U3ysgsTLItl-WbxfyqLUq49dilay5OeGiNjoIdGggLomTUZrfUQ4eZfXa5Cs_TZvLzougfzNXoBlwATKbTR8nl3WcQ/s1600/'Muddled'.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEaJqjLLqkAgcFkhMZnYq3L10G4KCgCOycmSSn0FgY10C-r6P4U3ysgsTLItl-WbxfyqLUq49dilay5OeGiNjoIdGggLomTUZrfUQ4eZfXa5Cs_TZvLzougfzNXoBlwATKbTR8nl3WcQ/s320/'Muddled'.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
Acrylic on canvas, 2010, 16" x 20".<br />
<br />
This is actually a self portrait, but with a difference. I can't remember for certain what I was so confused about, but I can imagine that it was either what was what following the insomnia induced worsening of my psychosis in 2009 or it was the way I didn't feel a part of this world. Or maybe a mixture of both?<br />
<br />
Confusion is a feeling that particularly gets to me. Even though I feel the most confusion when on the way out of a bad episode. The time of feeling most confused was when I first went on the medication I take, but eventually after about 6 months things started to seem clearer. Little things, especially numbers and maths, can still get me feeling confused. But thankfully I am no longer feeling so confused about the world around me. So at least that is progress.Lost in Spacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10255087475774273888noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8128608088889537613.post-45705995889018254932012-12-30T17:17:00.003+00:002012-12-30T17:17:37.383+00:0020122012 was not one of the better years for me. Though it has had some good things happen this year. I have avoided the olympics, rightly believed that there wasn't really going to be an apocalypse, and done everything I could to not be affected by the jubilee. Though the latter caused a lot of annoyance and frustration by being by far the worst excuse for a bank holiday and Sunday bus times.<br />
<br />
The best thing that happened was in September when I started uni. Finally I had some direction in my life, something that had been missing for so long.<br />
<br />
But there were a lot of stresses. Things I didn't want to remember and wanted to leave in the past returned to the surface. Spring was the time that this affected me the most. I don't want to go into too much detail, but I mean some family stuff (family being by far the most negative influence on my life, so much that I refuse to have anything to do with them) and some other equally unpleasent stuff. And as if this wasn't enough I also had a couple of months of sleep disturbance when my doctor messed with my medication. I can only be thankful that this didn't turn into the insomnia-induced mess that I had experienced so many times in the past.<br />
<br />
And to December we come. What I had hoped to be a good Christmas was just yet another stress that I didn't need. I am feeling low, a lot lower than I have for a long time, probably spring. I am hoping for a less stressful and more positive 2013. Whether that happens or not only time will tell.<br />
<br />
And finally I wish everyone reading hope and peace for the new year.Lost in Spacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10255087475774273888noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8128608088889537613.post-72961259445362933512012-12-20T18:36:00.000+00:002012-12-20T18:36:04.374+00:00Christmas wishes<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj5WezOdKAeXSIdd16tyZC50ZUxhZEi-PoYINDTiyby_3xH0U4csvWxf01dqaaXRxzOSI-VDpfZgg7UvDBs7BEsDqawB69pkQ6ameJ5_uN3FbVjjRpOn_pWD5nhrg1atZvUmykbU4l2w/s1600/Iona+cross+(photo).JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj5WezOdKAeXSIdd16tyZC50ZUxhZEi-PoYINDTiyby_3xH0U4csvWxf01dqaaXRxzOSI-VDpfZgg7UvDBs7BEsDqawB69pkQ6ameJ5_uN3FbVjjRpOn_pWD5nhrg1atZvUmykbU4l2w/s320/Iona+cross+(photo).JPG" width="132" /></a></div>
This isn't one of my paintings, but a photo I took a few years ago. I just thought it was the best image I had for this post.<br />
<br />
Anyway, as I will be going away for the next few days, I wanted to take this opportunity to wish everyone who reads this blog a very happy Christmas.<br />
<br />
Traditionally I hate this time of year. I hate that Christmas has lost its meaning. I hate the commercialism that has become associated with this time of year. I hate the amount of alcohol that is expected to be consumed at this time of year, having been teetotal for nearly 6 years following an episode of problem drinking in an effort to not be depressed (in reality the alcohol only made me worse, a lot worse, and I am a lot happier without it). I hate the amount of food that it is expected we will eat, far more than my stomach actually wants. I hate all the happy families stuff that goes on, as I was never happy to spend time with my family and I dread being contacted by them. I also hate all the fakeness of this time of year, how people pretend to be nice around Christmas but as soon as January comes they are back to their normal selves (genuinely nice people excepted of course).<br />
<br />
Christmas is also traditionally associated with a flare up of my mental health symptoms. The stress becomes overwhelming. Last year, if I remember correctly, I was convinced that my doctor was trying to control me with prescription medications. Thankfully this year I seem to be doing a lot better and have my feet firmly in reality, but a lot of that is only because I have booked a short holiday.<br />
<br />
Though there is one part of Christmas that I really like. The Advent church services. My faith is very important to me, including attending church whenever I can (though this isn't always easy). There is something beautiful about the candle lit carol service, which is my favourite at this time of year. And the church I go to does it really well.Lost in Spacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10255087475774273888noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8128608088889537613.post-1227811488400926982012-12-12T17:32:00.000+00:002012-12-12T17:32:03.335+00:00The Secret (5/12/2010)She sits alone in a room,<br />
Too frightened to make contact with the outside world.<br />
Covered up, her eyes hidden from view -<br />
A secret she must keep to herself.<br />
Nobody understands,<br />
It seems that nobody cares -<br />
The whole world intent on bringing her down.<br />
Outsiders<br />
Looking in without a clear view,<br />
No wonder they don't see what she sees.<br />
They're all so desperate to look into her eyes,<br />
So desperate to discover her secret.<br />
She's in fear, her every move -<br />
What will happen next?<br />
She remains covered,<br />
A mark of her isolation.<br />
The need for self protection so great,<br />
Only a select few will ever see her eyes -<br />
The holy grail of trust no longer exists.Lost in Spacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10255087475774273888noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8128608088889537613.post-48346647700663284992012-12-02T18:16:00.000+00:002012-12-02T18:16:51.243+00:00Never Surrender (17/7/2010)If it wasn't real it wouldn't affect me.<br />
That is just the latest in a long line of absurdities,<br />
Been going on for so many months and years.<br />
For society to get themselves back to reality<br />
Would only make things easier.<br />
I am not the one who has lost the plot!<br />
That is you, all of you.<br />
Accusations that make no sense<br />
Fit only the mass delusion, forever spreading -<br />
Contagious, but I must remain immune.<br />
I must stand my ground.<br />
I must never surrender -<br />
Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.<br />
Never surrender to the will of the masses,<br />
The way of the creatures.<br />
Intention to drag me down,<br />
Ever increasing distance from reality,<br />
They intend my full surrender to the mass delusion.<br />
Ever ongoing absurdity?<br />
Please bring society back to reality.<br />
It isn't me, it is them.<br />
The airwaves contaminated by something that cannot be seen -<br />
Lack of insight tells them it is real,<br />
But I will not be suckered,<br />
I will not surrender.<br />
Never surrender!Lost in Spacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10255087475774273888noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8128608088889537613.post-15511838589850754962012-11-22T18:13:00.000+00:002012-11-22T18:24:35.311+00:00Flashback of a Bad TripWell I'm back. My essay is finally finished and handed in. So hopefully I will be around more now. But here is a couple of pictures.<br />
<br />
Part one:-<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBgtylTVMEPEr8tRXCSM9vtzs4JPxsnIm42G2KtOZgnEEd7av8tv2eWhCXHa_KV8BW3PAg9ABndCc09kMtar-18nN16m_hqvZXy_nq2vdu6OdpJ3kNCfgzBsu2zhgW2uzpQD1t64p5jA/s1600/'Flashback+Of+A+Bad+Trip,+Pt1'.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="294" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBgtylTVMEPEr8tRXCSM9vtzs4JPxsnIm42G2KtOZgnEEd7av8tv2eWhCXHa_KV8BW3PAg9ABndCc09kMtar-18nN16m_hqvZXy_nq2vdu6OdpJ3kNCfgzBsu2zhgW2uzpQD1t64p5jA/s320/'Flashback+Of+A+Bad+Trip,+Pt1'.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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Acrylic on canvas, 2010, 12" x 12".</div>
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Part two:-<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6T2QmqfJpz43TgTzdJd1TtuBVl7va8sgoEY-SkD-i0L65u9lSV5rjVdn3CViOK96yX50ZrZoPNaQ1gtvjXvQvSq-SRf1DMyJG4ZdZiD_3pKnB6lZTPdiFn-oYfEmUCa8JGpG_8BQIAw/s1600/%2527Flashback+Of+A+Bad+Trip%252C+Pt2%2527.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6T2QmqfJpz43TgTzdJd1TtuBVl7va8sgoEY-SkD-i0L65u9lSV5rjVdn3CViOK96yX50ZrZoPNaQ1gtvjXvQvSq-SRf1DMyJG4ZdZiD_3pKnB6lZTPdiFn-oYfEmUCa8JGpG_8BQIAw/s320/%2527Flashback+Of+A+Bad+Trip%252C+Pt2%2527.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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Acrylic on canvas, 2010, 12" x 12".</div>
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These strange creatures are representations of some of the things I see. These two were particularly evil in that they both tried to attack me. I think by painting them in this way I have been able to give them less power over me. They are not as frightening as they were the days they appeared in front of me.</div>
Lost in Spacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10255087475774273888noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8128608088889537613.post-37477168267416734842012-10-20T17:48:00.002+01:002012-10-20T17:48:49.471+01:00BusyI may not be around as much for a while. Though I will still post and reply to comments when I can. I just have a lot on at the minute.<br />
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I'm still painting. Writing has been more difficult but I am still working on my novel. I never thought it was going to be easy.<br />
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I am struggling a lot right now. My stress levels are the highest they have been for a long time. I have an essay deadline coming ever closer, and am determined to succeed. But I am coping a lot better than I would have a couple of years ago.<br />
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I hope everyone reading is well.Lost in Spacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10255087475774273888noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8128608088889537613.post-80489458833558387992012-10-12T17:14:00.001+01:002012-10-12T17:14:24.618+01:00Thank youI noticed earlier this week that I've had 1000 pageviews here. I know it isn't much, but I thought I would take this opportunity to thank everyone who visits my blog. And I hope you get something from it.Lost in Spacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10255087475774273888noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8128608088889537613.post-19165949160558355802012-09-30T16:35:00.001+01:002012-09-30T16:35:10.342+01:00Do You See What I See?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhYkDs3KPD8cATOvXFLOa8SIUV926A1jtQ3nozpqBqPl24VcaSMblXhb94ckiyBM4LC4PjsHPE1bVkXCJWRcQZ_20kmDkKXxekO7AUtcEKAG5ongAHjX7qK4bVi7PaIicJbRwR0Xy9Zw/s1600/'Do+You+See+What+I+See'.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="272" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhYkDs3KPD8cATOvXFLOa8SIUV926A1jtQ3nozpqBqPl24VcaSMblXhb94ckiyBM4LC4PjsHPE1bVkXCJWRcQZ_20kmDkKXxekO7AUtcEKAG5ongAHjX7qK4bVi7PaIicJbRwR0Xy9Zw/s320/'Do+You+See+What+I+See'.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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Acrylic on canvas, 2010, 16" x 16".<br />
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There isn't really that much I can say about this painting, other than it is one of only a very small number of accurately detailed paintings I have done. I find it difficult to go into this much detail, and I prefer to work big. It is the meaning that is most important for me to get across.<br />
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The text is the words that he is saying to her, to torment her. "You will surrender to my demands."<br />
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What inspired this painting was that about a year earlier I had a period of bad insomnia, that led to me experiencing a number of unpleasant hallucinations. One of which was people I didn't recognise coming into my home even though my door is always locked. I always feared that they were there to attack me, and the fear of them returning when I was asleep only made the insomnia worse. In fact the most recent panic attack I had was when I saw somebody appear by my bedroom window one night and I became convinced that he was waiting for me to fall asleep so he could attack me. Even when he was gone I feared his return.<br />
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To be honest, I actually wonder if my so called psychosis is actually a combination of anxiety with insomnia.<br />
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Thankfully these hallucinations reduced when I got back into a better sleep pattern, but they didn't go away all together. Though the good thing is that now I can say that there has been a number of months since they tried to come into my life.Lost in Spacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10255087475774273888noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8128608088889537613.post-4833846644243109292012-09-20T19:00:00.000+01:002012-09-20T19:00:33.136+01:00The Wall<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmf-mO1iFHNMfGkmZ6_Zb3utPNo2um0hTgOPRyahyphenhyphenQy3NOHQn2XBegIKkoYt9JazpByx1z7Jq3DeT9QKfZuqamfMiT-N-oydhiJCvEE_GebiQhOUTuYwkNsybwJC3N1N2gKK40YI_seg/s1600/'The+Wall'.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmf-mO1iFHNMfGkmZ6_Zb3utPNo2um0hTgOPRyahyphenhyphenQy3NOHQn2XBegIKkoYt9JazpByx1z7Jq3DeT9QKfZuqamfMiT-N-oydhiJCvEE_GebiQhOUTuYwkNsybwJC3N1N2gKK40YI_seg/s320/'The+Wall'.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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Acrylic on canvas, 2010, 23.5" x 23.5".<br />
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No this was not inspired by the Pink Floyd album, much as I love PF. But more by feeling threatened (by the shadow man) and trapped. It took a number of months to complete, but I actually like working big and taking a lot of time with a painting. The painting developed as I worked on it, from a rough sketch on paper of only a trapped woman and a shadow man several times her size.Lost in Spacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10255087475774273888noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8128608088889537613.post-26744972463195188092012-09-13T18:20:00.000+01:002012-09-13T18:20:22.263+01:00And againWell it was quite a while ago that I received it, but I still wanted to acknowledge this award. Many thanks to Madison over at <a href="http://mental-health-issues-madison.blogspot.co.uk/">My Meddling Mind</a>.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigGSQiTWO0vMHCvx229Yg_9CqKC_TNYnVICA3EXuqLbB8C4p_cPOkIeTGZQpthqYfGakbDyU8JDAOy45KlbzjWIP0J0HEQxzHoHe66nxAt07awUuoneVI9YVDGxSdlR5e3CIPa9kw5hQ/s1600/The+Versatile+Blogger+Award.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigGSQiTWO0vMHCvx229Yg_9CqKC_TNYnVICA3EXuqLbB8C4p_cPOkIeTGZQpthqYfGakbDyU8JDAOy45KlbzjWIP0J0HEQxzHoHe66nxAt07awUuoneVI9YVDGxSdlR5e3CIPa9kw5hQ/s1600/The+Versatile+Blogger+Award.png" /></a></div>
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Thank you for appreciating my creativity, something that is of course so important to me and something that has been a key part of my recovery.Lost in Spacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10255087475774273888noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8128608088889537613.post-78263978601513592602012-09-05T20:30:00.000+01:002012-09-05T20:30:49.502+01:00Moving forwardIn the near future I will be taking the next big step on this journey through life. I feel both excited and anxious about this. But either way, I know that now is the right time to make this change in the right direction.<br />
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More than anything I want something positive to come out of everything I have been through over the last few years. I believe that I am on this path for a reason. I have changed a lot, I believe for the better. Well, I <i>hope</i> for the better! Back in 2007, when I first moved to the area I live in now, I was on a very different path. But that was a path on which I did not succeed, barely functioning and in the depths of depression and not to mention the paranoia and hallucinations that I also had. I was on a medication that not only didn't work, but actually made things a lot worse. I had no hope. My life was a mess, and I couldn't see a way out.<br />
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Looking back now, I am glad that I didn't succeed on my original path. For every door that closed, another opened. And now I find myself in a position where my dreams can become reality. I am happy that my life has changed, no matter what I had to go through to get here.<br />
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Little did I know back on that day at the beginning of last year when I found myself at my GP surgery begging for something to make the experiences I was having stop. Little did I know that I would eventually (actually not so eventually, it was about 18 months ago) end up making really big steps towards one of my most important goals in life.<br />
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Of course, my various creative ways have been a big part of my journey. And that is exactly how it will continue. Though I am adding time commitments, I still have plenty of time to be creative. I am going through a positive phase with my art right now, and that is something I would very much like to continue.<br />
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Wishing everyone who reads this blog success with their goals.Lost in Spacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10255087475774273888noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8128608088889537613.post-5918656387486491472012-09-01T19:06:00.000+01:002012-09-01T19:06:30.587+01:00Broken Glass<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGuDkIE4pLWV6L1XXdJ6mstoCik1ipGFihLxLsUZP8KLZQhQkSXbEXQ6k6mZOUNDGo-BJRYnWmOCikD4tBfbN8szeSRa4gMb8IfcH1dja5OdV2656IUkkArryX1_g0aDHf-r1OHwTZmg/s1600/'Broken+Glass%27.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="298" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGuDkIE4pLWV6L1XXdJ6mstoCik1ipGFihLxLsUZP8KLZQhQkSXbEXQ6k6mZOUNDGo-BJRYnWmOCikD4tBfbN8szeSRa4gMb8IfcH1dja5OdV2656IUkkArryX1_g0aDHf-r1OHwTZmg/s320/'Broken+Glass%27.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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Acrylic on canvas, 2011, 8" x 8".<br />
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At the time of painting this, I was working through and coming out the other side of paranoia I had experienced for a number of years. By breaking the glass through which they were spying on me, I was able to fight back. And by fighting back I could live in less fear.<br />
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I am glad that eventually I was able to see a way out of the mess I had gotten into. There has been a lot of emotions since the spring of 2011, when I finally went on a medication that helped reduce my symptoms and was also finally correctly (I hope) diagnosed. The journey has certainly had its ups and downs. But recently things have settled and I feel good. What is important now is keeping positive and continuing to move forward.Lost in Spacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10255087475774273888noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8128608088889537613.post-72020793060357749352012-08-25T19:08:00.002+01:002012-08-25T19:08:41.216+01:00Another awardThank you to Gary over at <a href="http://klahanie.blogspot.co.uk/">Klahanie</a>.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigGSQiTWO0vMHCvx229Yg_9CqKC_TNYnVICA3EXuqLbB8C4p_cPOkIeTGZQpthqYfGakbDyU8JDAOy45KlbzjWIP0J0HEQxzHoHe66nxAt07awUuoneVI9YVDGxSdlR5e3CIPa9kw5hQ/s1600/The+Versatile+Blogger+Award.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigGSQiTWO0vMHCvx229Yg_9CqKC_TNYnVICA3EXuqLbB8C4p_cPOkIeTGZQpthqYfGakbDyU8JDAOy45KlbzjWIP0J0HEQxzHoHe66nxAt07awUuoneVI9YVDGxSdlR5e3CIPa9kw5hQ/s1600/The+Versatile+Blogger+Award.png" /></a></div>
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I am not going to bother with the '7 interesting facts about myself', seeing as I did that <a href="http://journey-through-space.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/my-first-blogging-award.html">quite recently</a>. But I will mention that Gary passed this award on to people who blog about positive attitudes towards mental health, and positive distractions to cope with symptoms.<br />
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As I am sure I have mentioned before, much of my art and also much of my poetry is a way of expressing my feelings. These feelings are both positive and negative. But the important thing is getting them out rather than keeping them in. I am pretty sure that my art would be very different if it wasn't for my illness, but it still remains true that psychosis and anxiety are only a small part of who I am. And I hope that there is at least a small difference that I am making on this blog towards reducing the stigma attached to mental illness.<br />
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Lost in Spacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10255087475774273888noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8128608088889537613.post-75078547109931198902012-08-08T18:56:00.000+01:002012-08-08T18:59:52.832+01:00Return to Reality<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRvj51DCSXV3mTTJGs74_yw2G_2eXDDOnn8LIOMopSMqokpnJCM_gZDrJY1e10zbkbH0_y7ues7rvjV4qSduiwoPQEkvVFuT9Zv3cRcFErlAwk4WNnFeq-BErN716buSzRqzp8ZAwDzg/s1600/'Return+To+Reality%27.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRvj51DCSXV3mTTJGs74_yw2G_2eXDDOnn8LIOMopSMqokpnJCM_gZDrJY1e10zbkbH0_y7ues7rvjV4qSduiwoPQEkvVFuT9Zv3cRcFErlAwk4WNnFeq-BErN716buSzRqzp8ZAwDzg/s320/'Return+To+Reality%27.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
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Acrylic on canvas, 2011, 9" x 12".<br />
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This was painted shortly after going on antipsychotic medication. I was in a very confused state at the time, unsure of what was what any more. But through this uncertainty was hope, hope that I would find a way out of the horror movie that was my life for so long. The confusion went on for a number of months as I had been ill for a long time, but these days it doesn't bother me much any more (unless I find myself in the recovery stage of what are now much shorter episodes).<br />
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I am feeling mostly good currently, so I thought it would be best to publish a positive picture of my recovery.Lost in Spacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10255087475774273888noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8128608088889537613.post-18799898143541040092012-07-28T18:11:00.002+01:002012-07-28T18:13:02.872+01:00Who is watching?So it has been a while since I have posted anything, but here's a painting.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9DOGNBBGY9eTh1oyt9DaWFdaDy_P5HgCPXMIwZ-k2v0f3Z8Wg5lPHH3eW1NWqhX2FGKdVWAImHg5uPJEnOAu31EgUk6nQcNnF9o2nAS9I6EdZkVsQR10ldZUs0YsLiTMzy8Xa0e5byQ/s1600/'Who+Is+Watching%27.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="295" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9DOGNBBGY9eTh1oyt9DaWFdaDy_P5HgCPXMIwZ-k2v0f3Z8Wg5lPHH3eW1NWqhX2FGKdVWAImHg5uPJEnOAu31EgUk6nQcNnF9o2nAS9I6EdZkVsQR10ldZUs0YsLiTMzy8Xa0e5byQ/s320/'Who+Is+Watching%27.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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Acrylic in canvas, 2010, 8" x 8".<br />
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Apologies for the wonkiness of the photo. This person could be anyone, and was never intended to be somebody specific. They represent the feeling of always being watched, a feeling I lived with for a long time in different ways. I still sometimes feel this way, but definitely to a much lesser extent that I did at the time of painting this in early 2010.Lost in Spacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10255087475774273888noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8128608088889537613.post-46624758064678549032012-07-13T18:34:00.002+01:002012-07-13T18:34:53.673+01:00My first blogging awardThanking Gary over at <a href="http://klahanie.blogspot.co.uk/">Klahanie</a>.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5h_QusSIjUQnjfIjLmungJySDBchQFIRGl_FJ4Hji4uY1TAdi0jLr9X_lGCQTRtAchiQEkJD0Le7Kr08BHBEdQizH_alRkY64_0NMEznXhCt6oJZB1rhjmrDcacodrWcPJ7pgz0LEcw/s320/kreativbloggeraward.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5h_QusSIjUQnjfIjLmungJySDBchQFIRGl_FJ4Hji4uY1TAdi0jLr9X_lGCQTRtAchiQEkJD0Le7Kr08BHBEdQizH_alRkY64_0NMEznXhCt6oJZB1rhjmrDcacodrWcPJ7pgz0LEcw/s320/kreativbloggeraward.jpg" /></a></div>
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I know it has been a few days since actually receiving the award, but I have had a lot of trouble gathering my thoughts lately (probably resulting from a combination of poor quality sleep and a recent increase in the medication I take for my psychosis and anxiety). But fingers crossed I feel a little better now, so here goes.<br />
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Now I don't know of 7 blogs I can pass this award on to, but apparently that is ok. Though I will attempt to come up with 7 interesting facts about myself, just for fun (as these are the things that it is suggested we do when receiving this award).<br />
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So 7 (probably not so) interesting things about me are:-<br />
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1. I have been painting since 2008, and my paintings have always been expressions of my feelings that I have often struggled to get out in other ways. My early paintings were mostly black and red, to express depression. Maybe one day I will post one so you can see the difference between my earlier paintings and my more recent paintings?<br />
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2. Listening to music always makes me feel better. My favourite genre is rock. Music is also a very important coping strategy for me, and also very useful in distracting me enough that I don't respond to the voices.<br />
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3. I am currently working on a novel. I don't expect that it will be finished any time soon. I don't want to give away too much too soon, but I will say it will be a horror novel (hopefully, if I write it well enough!).<br />
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4. If I could change one thing about me, I would hope to have more confidence in my talent for art. I struggle to see what others see in my paintings, but I wish I could.<br />
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5. When I get my health back, I hope to be an art therapist. That way I can use my passion to help others who have been through similar to me.<br />
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6. Similarly to my painting, my poetry is mostly a means of self expression. Even if I try to write about something that has nothing to do with me, I still put aspects of how I am feeling or an experience I have had in the poem.<br />
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7. This has taken me about half an hour to write this list. It probably would have taken much longer earlier in the week.Lost in Spacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10255087475774273888noreply@blogger.com4