Two Paths

Acrylic on canvas, 2012, 20" x 16".

Not knowing where either path is actually heading, but only knowing that one path is positive (blue, river) and the other is negative (red, blood). Going through the grass these paths cross many times. It is easy to fall off one and on to the other. Positive can become negative and negative can become positive. Not knowing the destination only increases the confusion. I guess this is a pretty good description of life.

Losing Control

Acrylic on canvas, 2010, 14.5" x 14.5".

At the time of painting this I was struggling with being taken over by somebody else and I was losing control of my entire identity. 'Me' was becoming more and more distorted as I became a smaller part of who I was. Hence the circles becoming smaller and more distorted. I don't remember why I chose the chess board design for the background. Perhaps I just thought it looked good. A simple more abstract design seemed to fit what I needed to express.

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As an update from where I was a couple of weeks ago when I wrote my last post, things still aren't that good but I am trying to keep going in the hope that something better has to come soon. Motivation still is a big issue which just sucks.

I hope everyone reading is ok though.

Searching for something...

But what, I don't know any more.

It doesn't seem appropriate at this time to post a picture or a poem. But I felt something had to be posted. It seemed at one point that 2013 could be a year of hope, but so far no hope has materialised. I have felt lower than I have for years. Nothing makes sense any more. Trying to escape the negative influences on my life in the hope of finding more positive ones seems so pointless as they always find their way back. I have put up boundaries against family (who are the worst people I have ever had the misfortune to come across) yet they are always walked all over. I have tried desperately to rebuild my life only for it all to fall apart again. Friends try to help but completely miss the point I am making. I haven't even been able to paint since January. Something has been missing, at least since Christmas.

The end of March was when I gave up drinking, back in 2007. Yet I don't see any point in caring about staying sober. It isn't that I want a drink. I know what a disaster my life was becoming back in my drinking days, that it made my depression so much worse. I just don't want to feel. Drink has always been my go to when things have gotten too much, which is why I can't drink. I am frustrated at always maintaining the status quo when I just want to get out of here onto somewhere I can be accepted for who I really am. Alcohol took me to a different place, not better but just different. And different is what I need.

I don't know where I can go from here. Nowhere even begins to appeal. I just want to be anywhere but here.

Bending Time and Reality

Acrylic on canvas, 2010, 15" x 8".

This painting is inspired in part by Salvador Dali's 'The Persistence of Memory' (1931). I have always loved Dali's work and surrealism is a style that I often feel inspired by, especially when trying to express past delusions through art.

Back in 2006 when I first got ill I used to believe that I could control time with only the power of my thoughts. For a couple of months I didn't know it but I was slowly running myself into the ground. It was good at the time and very useful to be able to control time, especially when it came to completing my assignments (I was a student at the time). But it all had to come to an end when I had no more energy. I came crashing down into a pretty bad depression, hence the black thought cloud. It wasn't until shortly before painting this that I had made that connection. Never again did I have a 'positive' delusion, but instead only paranoia. Though looking back from where I am now I realise that there was nothing positive about running myself into the ground in this way.

There is no significance in it being 2:30.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

Acrylic on canvas, 2012, 12" x 15.5".

A lot further into my recovery I could see more hope. I was more willing to trust the world that by this time I had entered. It wasn't so bad after all. Every day meant climbing further out of the tunnel and towards the light that was reality. At the time of painting this I was on my way out of a mini episode and settling in to a higher dose of medication. Things were difficult but the hope was coming closer. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Prying Eyes (14/12/2010)

They look with intent, and they can see
All that lies within my inner soul.
Surrounded by constant prying eyes,
They are everywhere.
Hidden cameras watching our every move.
The only place to hide, inside a toilet cubicle.
No such thing as freedom.
Privacy remains non-existent.
It's not paranoia when they really are out to get you.
Tormented daily by the reality I see,
All that I am aware of.
Even my walls adorned with faces,
They are everywhere.
It is only their way of spying on me.
There is nowhere to hide -
Faces imprinted upon my walls, even in the bathroom.
Ever prying eyes remain my enemy.
It's not paranoia when they really are out to get you.

Coming Home

Acrylic on canvas, 2011, 15.5" x 18".

At the time of painting this, I could see a better world in the future. However I was uncertain whether this new world I could see was actually real. I was experiencing a lot of confusion at the time and this was probably the peak of that confusion. This painting represents punching a hole through everything I knew and planet Earth being on the other side, a message of hope.

Apologies for the issues with the photo. The words that seem to have fallen off the side are 'Anxiety' and 'Being watched'.

Update and a couple of poems

Well things aren't too great right now. My mood has dipped. I am frustrated. I just want to be alone. My motivation isn't too great much of the time either. Then I'm just more frustrated. I had hoped that come January I would be feeling better, but this has just dragged on and we aren't too far off February. Hopefully soon a positive change will come.

At least I have my painting, that thankfully I am still enjoying. I am in the middle of one at the minute.

But for now I will post a couple of poems that I wrote back in May 2011. That was a time of great confusion, very early on in mental health treatment. The poems I have chosen express how I felt at the time. They are on a similar theme so it made sense to post them together.

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Hologram (8/5/2011)

I am an hologram.
I no longer exist,
Simply made of light,
Only there for him to project his thoughts onto.
I don't know why he did this to me.
What is this 'me' anyway?
I know who I used to be
Before I was taken over by him.

I am rebuilding myself -
Rebuilding the truth, who I always was.
Blocking out the endless mind control,
Who'd have thought
It could be medicated out of existence?
He tried so much to take over me,
But no more will I allow him to succeed.
I am not an hologram.

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Searching (11/5/2011)

The muddled mess I'm in...
Confusion never goes away.
When will I ever find the truth?
Constant worry,
Fearing what is next.
I can see in the distance
A better future -
A world without conspiracy
Or persecution.
But is it real?
How can a drug induced feeling be real?
Losing the plot,
In search of a better world.
How will I ever know?

Muddled

Acrylic on canvas, 2010, 16" x 20".

This is actually a self portrait, but with a difference. I can't remember for certain what I was so confused about, but I can imagine that it was either what was what following the insomnia induced worsening of my psychosis in 2009 or it was the way I didn't feel a part of this world. Or maybe a mixture of both?

Confusion is a feeling that particularly gets to me. Even though I feel the most confusion when on the way out of a bad episode. The time of feeling most confused was when I first went on the medication I take, but eventually after about 6 months things started to seem clearer. Little things, especially numbers and maths, can still get me feeling confused. But thankfully I am no longer feeling so confused about the world around me. So at least that is progress.

2012

2012 was not one of the better years for me. Though it has had some good things happen this year. I have avoided the olympics, rightly believed that there wasn't really going to be an apocalypse, and done everything I could to not be affected by the jubilee. Though the latter caused a lot of annoyance and frustration by being by far the worst excuse for a bank holiday and Sunday bus times.

The best thing that happened was in September when I started uni. Finally I had some direction in my life, something that had been missing for so long.

But there were a lot of stresses. Things I didn't want to remember and wanted to leave in the past returned to the surface. Spring was the time that this affected me the most. I don't want to go into too much detail, but I mean some family stuff (family being by far the most negative influence on my life, so much that I refuse to have anything to do with them) and some other equally unpleasent stuff. And as if this wasn't enough I also had a couple of months of sleep disturbance when my doctor messed with my medication. I can only be thankful that this didn't turn into the insomnia-induced mess that I had experienced so many times in the past.

And to December we come. What I had hoped to be a good Christmas was just yet another stress that I didn't need. I am feeling low, a lot lower than I have for a long time, probably spring. I am hoping for a less stressful and more positive 2013. Whether that happens or not only time will tell.

And finally I wish everyone reading hope and peace for the new year.

Christmas wishes

This isn't one of my paintings, but a photo I took a few years ago. I just thought it was the best image I had for this post.

Anyway, as I will be going away for the next few days, I wanted to take this opportunity to wish everyone who reads this blog a very happy Christmas.

Traditionally I hate this time of year. I hate that Christmas has lost its meaning. I hate the commercialism that has become associated with this time of year. I hate the amount of alcohol that is expected to be consumed at this time of year, having been teetotal for nearly 6 years following an episode of problem drinking in an effort to not be depressed (in reality the alcohol only made me worse, a lot worse, and I am a lot happier without it). I hate the amount of food that it is expected we will eat, far more than my stomach actually wants. I hate all the happy families stuff that goes on, as I was never happy to spend time with my family and I dread being contacted by them. I also hate all the fakeness of this time of year, how people pretend to be nice around Christmas but as soon as January comes they are back to their normal selves (genuinely nice people excepted of course).

Christmas is also traditionally associated with a flare up of my mental health symptoms. The stress becomes overwhelming. Last year, if I remember correctly, I was convinced that my doctor was trying to control me with prescription medications. Thankfully this year I seem to be doing a lot better and have my feet firmly in reality, but a lot of that is only because I have booked a short holiday.

Though there is one part of Christmas that I really like. The Advent church services. My faith is very important to me, including attending church whenever I can (though this isn't always easy). There is something beautiful about the candle lit carol service, which is my favourite at this time of year. And the church I go to does it really well.

The Secret (5/12/2010)

She sits alone in a room,
Too frightened to make contact with the outside world.
Covered up, her eyes hidden from view -
A secret she must keep to herself.
Nobody understands,
It seems that nobody cares -
The whole world intent on bringing her down.
Outsiders
Looking in without a clear view,
No wonder they don't see what she sees.
They're all so desperate to look into her eyes,
So desperate to discover her secret.
She's in fear, her every move -
What will happen next?
She remains covered,
A mark of her isolation.
The need for self protection so great,
Only a select few will ever see her eyes -
The holy grail of trust no longer exists.

Never Surrender (17/7/2010)

If it wasn't real it wouldn't affect me.
That is just the latest in a long line of absurdities,
Been going on for so many months and years.
For society to get themselves back to reality
Would only make things easier.
I am not the one who has lost the plot!
That is you, all of you.
Accusations that make no sense
Fit only the mass delusion, forever spreading -
Contagious, but I must remain immune.
I must stand my ground.
I must never surrender -
Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.
Never surrender to the will of the masses,
The way of the creatures.
Intention to drag me down,
Ever increasing distance from reality,
They intend my full surrender to the mass delusion.
Ever ongoing absurdity?
Please bring society back to reality.
It isn't me, it is them.
The airwaves contaminated by something that cannot be seen -
Lack of insight tells them it is real,
But I will not be suckered,
I will not surrender.
Never surrender!

Flashback of a Bad Trip

Well I'm back. My essay is finally finished and handed in. So hopefully I will be around more now. But here is a couple of pictures.

Part one:-

Acrylic on canvas, 2010, 12" x 12".

Part two:-

Acrylic on canvas, 2010, 12" x 12".

These strange creatures are representations of some of the things I see. These two were particularly evil in that they both tried to attack me. I think by painting them in this way I have been able to give them less power over me. They are not as frightening as they were the days they appeared in front of me.

Busy

I may not be around as much for a while. Though I will still post and reply to comments when I can. I just have a lot on at the minute.

I'm still painting. Writing has been more difficult but I am still working on my novel. I never thought it was going to be easy.

I am struggling a lot right now. My stress levels are the highest they have been for a long time. I have an essay deadline coming ever closer, and am determined to succeed. But I am coping a lot better than I would have a couple of years ago.

I hope everyone reading is well.

Thank you

I noticed earlier this week that I've had 1000 pageviews here. I know it isn't much, but I thought I would take this opportunity to thank everyone who visits my blog. And I hope you get something from it.

Do You See What I See?

Acrylic on canvas, 2010, 16" x 16".

There isn't really that much I can say about this painting, other than it is one of only a very small number of accurately detailed paintings I have done. I find it difficult to go into this much detail, and I prefer to work big. It is the meaning that is most important for me to get across.

The text is the words that he is saying to her, to torment her. "You will surrender to my demands."

What inspired this painting was that about a year earlier I had a period of bad insomnia, that led to me experiencing a number of unpleasant hallucinations. One of which was people I didn't recognise coming into my home even though my door is always locked. I always feared that they were there to attack me, and the fear of them returning when I was asleep only made the insomnia worse. In fact the most recent panic attack I had was when I saw somebody appear by my bedroom window one night and I became convinced that he was waiting for me to fall asleep so he could attack me. Even when he was gone I feared his return.

To be honest, I actually wonder if my so called psychosis is actually a combination of anxiety with insomnia.

Thankfully these hallucinations reduced when I got back into a better sleep pattern, but they didn't go away all together. Though the good thing is that now I can say that there has been a number of months since they tried to come into my life.

The Wall

Acrylic on canvas, 2010, 23.5" x 23.5".

No this was not inspired by the Pink Floyd album, much as I love PF. But more by feeling threatened (by the shadow man) and trapped. It took a number of months to complete, but I actually like working big and taking a lot of time with a painting. The painting developed as I worked on it, from a rough sketch on paper of only a trapped woman and a shadow man several times her size.

And again

Well it was quite a while ago that I received it, but I still wanted to acknowledge this award. Many thanks to Madison over at My Meddling Mind.

Thank you for appreciating my creativity, something that is of course so important to me and something that has been a key part of my recovery.

Moving forward

In the near future I will be taking the next big step on this journey through life. I feel both excited and anxious about this. But either way, I know that now is the right time to make this change in the right direction.

More than anything I want something positive to come out of everything I have been through over the last few years. I believe that I am on this path for a reason. I have changed a lot, I believe for the better. Well, I hope for the better! Back in 2007, when I first moved to the area I live in now, I was on a very different path. But that was a path on which I did not succeed, barely functioning and in the depths of depression and not to mention the paranoia and hallucinations that I also had. I was on a medication that not only didn't work, but actually made things a lot worse. I had no hope. My life was a mess, and I couldn't see a way out.

Looking back now, I am glad that I didn't succeed on my original path. For every door that closed, another opened. And now I find myself in a position where my dreams can become reality. I am happy that my life has changed, no matter what I had to go through to get here.

Little did I know back on that day at the beginning of last year when I found myself at my GP surgery begging for something to make the experiences I was having stop. Little did I know that I would eventually (actually not so eventually, it was about 18 months ago) end up making really big steps towards one of my most important goals in life.

Of course, my various creative ways have been a big part of my journey. And that is exactly how it will continue. Though I am adding time commitments, I still have plenty of time to be creative. I am going through a positive phase with my art right now, and that is something I would very much like to continue.

Wishing everyone who reads this blog success with their goals.