Sunday, 15 April 2012

Not feeling too creative right now

I've not bothered to post anything here lately, mainly because things are not going too well right now. I'm not ignoring you. I will get back to posting pictures and poems soon.

Every day is a battle at times like this. My anxiety has been through the roof lately. The reason is somebody I used to know has been a negative influence on me for a long time. I've known for years, but now everything is a lot clearer. Trying to stay in control and avoid the influences of this person is a full time job.

Taking a break, distracting myself, is all I can do. Perhaps that is all any of us can do at times like these. But sometimes that is just not enough. The need to escape, the 'impossible dream' (much as I hate the word impossible, because nothing is impossible), is all too often there and all consuming. The need to escape from the influences of the evil one is the need for a complete escape, so much more than a stop gap. All the time I need to break free, but all the time I am reminded that I cannot.

This ongoing frustration often comes up in my creative expression. I need to get it all out somehow, so that it doesn't eat me up inside and erode my personal identity. Surely it is not too much to ask that I can be myself, the me I have always been.

But though many battles are lost, the war is not over yet.


  1. In my own way, I understand this. The battle that challenges our right to peaceful, positive life. I know how difficult it can be to distance ourselves from negative influences. I have numerous experiences with this and I find that, to the best of my ability, not giving the negativity the oxygen it so craves, that the perpetrator becomes but a whisper in my head, rather than a screaming, persistent voice.
    Positive distractions that are conducive to our mental health well being can be most difficult to focus on when we have the constant reminder of a negative influence. However, life is about choices and we must try to choose what is best for us. I have made some dramatic choices in my life to get away from those who would sabotage my right to be happy. It's not easy but I do know that I can run away but I can't run away from myself.
    For what it's worth, my friend, you are not alone and nobody has the right to devalue your humanity. Stand tall. Be proud. You have gifts of art and the passion for the written words, flowing through your soul. You know who you are. Show the world and beyond the many battles, beyond the war, look for the peace that is your right.
    With respect and empathy, your way, Gary

  2. Thank you for your kind words, Gary.

    I guess at these times that I need to remind myself at the end of each day that there was a time I chose to break away from this person, and have ever since then I have stood by that choice. And that every day I do the things I want to do, rather than the things they want me to do, is a small victory in my life.

    Some days are easy and some are more difficult, so hopefully the better days are just around the corner.