Sunday, 30 December 2012


2012 was not one of the better years for me. Though it has had some good things happen this year. I have avoided the olympics, rightly believed that there wasn't really going to be an apocalypse, and done everything I could to not be affected by the jubilee. Though the latter caused a lot of annoyance and frustration by being by far the worst excuse for a bank holiday and Sunday bus times.

The best thing that happened was in September when I started uni. Finally I had some direction in my life, something that had been missing for so long.

But there were a lot of stresses. Things I didn't want to remember and wanted to leave in the past returned to the surface. Spring was the time that this affected me the most. I don't want to go into too much detail, but I mean some family stuff (family being by far the most negative influence on my life, so much that I refuse to have anything to do with them) and some other equally unpleasent stuff. And as if this wasn't enough I also had a couple of months of sleep disturbance when my doctor messed with my medication. I can only be thankful that this didn't turn into the insomnia-induced mess that I had experienced so many times in the past.

And to December we come. What I had hoped to be a good Christmas was just yet another stress that I didn't need. I am feeling low, a lot lower than I have for a long time, probably spring. I am hoping for a less stressful and more positive 2013. Whether that happens or not only time will tell.

And finally I wish everyone reading hope and peace for the new year.

Thursday, 20 December 2012

Christmas wishes

This isn't one of my paintings, but a photo I took a few years ago. I just thought it was the best image I had for this post.

Anyway, as I will be going away for the next few days, I wanted to take this opportunity to wish everyone who reads this blog a very happy Christmas.

Traditionally I hate this time of year. I hate that Christmas has lost its meaning. I hate the commercialism that has become associated with this time of year. I hate the amount of alcohol that is expected to be consumed at this time of year, having been teetotal for nearly 6 years following an episode of problem drinking in an effort to not be depressed (in reality the alcohol only made me worse, a lot worse, and I am a lot happier without it). I hate the amount of food that it is expected we will eat, far more than my stomach actually wants. I hate all the happy families stuff that goes on, as I was never happy to spend time with my family and I dread being contacted by them. I also hate all the fakeness of this time of year, how people pretend to be nice around Christmas but as soon as January comes they are back to their normal selves (genuinely nice people excepted of course).

Christmas is also traditionally associated with a flare up of my mental health symptoms. The stress becomes overwhelming. Last year, if I remember correctly, I was convinced that my doctor was trying to control me with prescription medications. Thankfully this year I seem to be doing a lot better and have my feet firmly in reality, but a lot of that is only because I have booked a short holiday.

Though there is one part of Christmas that I really like. The Advent church services. My faith is very important to me, including attending church whenever I can (though this isn't always easy). There is something beautiful about the candle lit carol service, which is my favourite at this time of year. And the church I go to does it really well.

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

The Secret (5/12/2010)

She sits alone in a room,
Too frightened to make contact with the outside world.
Covered up, her eyes hidden from view -
A secret she must keep to herself.
Nobody understands,
It seems that nobody cares -
The whole world intent on bringing her down.
Looking in without a clear view,
No wonder they don't see what she sees.
They're all so desperate to look into her eyes,
So desperate to discover her secret.
She's in fear, her every move -
What will happen next?
She remains covered,
A mark of her isolation.
The need for self protection so great,
Only a select few will ever see her eyes -
The holy grail of trust no longer exists.

Sunday, 2 December 2012

Never Surrender (17/7/2010)

If it wasn't real it wouldn't affect me.
That is just the latest in a long line of absurdities,
Been going on for so many months and years.
For society to get themselves back to reality
Would only make things easier.
I am not the one who has lost the plot!
That is you, all of you.
Accusations that make no sense
Fit only the mass delusion, forever spreading -
Contagious, but I must remain immune.
I must stand my ground.
I must never surrender -
Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.
Never surrender to the will of the masses,
The way of the creatures.
Intention to drag me down,
Ever increasing distance from reality,
They intend my full surrender to the mass delusion.
Ever ongoing absurdity?
Please bring society back to reality.
It isn't me, it is them.
The airwaves contaminated by something that cannot be seen -
Lack of insight tells them it is real,
But I will not be suckered,
I will not surrender.
Never surrender!