Well things aren't too great right now. My mood has dipped. I am frustrated. I just want to be alone. My motivation isn't too great much of the time either. Then I'm just more frustrated. I had hoped that come January I would be feeling better, but this has just dragged on and we aren't too far off February. Hopefully soon a positive change will come.
At least I have my painting, that thankfully I am still enjoying. I am in the middle of one at the minute.
But for now I will post a couple of poems that I wrote back in May 2011. That was a time of great confusion, very early on in mental health treatment. The poems I have chosen express how I felt at the time. They are on a similar theme so it made sense to post them together.
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Hologram (8/5/2011)
I am an hologram.
I no longer exist,
Simply made of light,
Only there for him to project his thoughts onto.
I don't know why he did this to me.
What is this 'me' anyway?
I know who I used to be
Before I was taken over by him.
I am rebuilding myself -
Rebuilding the truth, who I always was.
Blocking out the endless mind control,
Who'd have thought
It could be medicated out of existence?
He tried so much to take over me,
But no more will I allow him to succeed.
I am not an hologram.
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Searching (11/5/2011)
The muddled mess I'm in...
Confusion never goes away.
When will I ever find the truth?
Constant worry,
Fearing what is next.
I can see in the distance
A better future -
A world without conspiracy
Or persecution.
But is it real?
How can a drug induced feeling be real?
Losing the plot,
In search of a better world.
How will I ever know?
Hi Lost in Space,
ReplyDeleteI think this might well be a case of placing too much pressure on yourself to have things feel better in your life. As you know, life and its twists and turns, can slow momentum down. Yet you do have motivation and you do have positive and therapeutic resources.
You paint, you write and you articulate your profound and thoughtful poetry. You have support and during this reflective time, know you have friends such as me, in the background.
Peaceful, positive wishes, your way,
Gary
Thank you for your positive words, Gary.
ReplyDeleteLife is definitely full of twists and turns. I have been stuck feeling this way for a lot longer than I expected, and I did certainly hope that I would be back to feeling better a lot sooner. But it does always take a long time for my mood to change. I am doing what I can, but at times like this it doesn't seem like enough.
Focussing on the things I enjoy has helped a little, and is something I can continue to do. A lot of my creative work was done when my mood was higher than it has been lately, but I am glad I can still do little bits here and there.
I know I am rambling. I am struggling to even string a thought together right now.
It can be so hard those minor steps back, but you have shown great strength in the past and I have no doubt that you will see a positive change soon because you have become a changed person, who now views and do things differently and in a different light, a bright light. I am glad to read that you are still painting, I am looking forward to seeing what you are currently working on, in the near future. Thank you for sharing your poems. :-)
ReplyDeleteMadison
Thank you for your kind words, Madison.
ReplyDeleteI am hoping that the progress I have made over the last few years will help me get back to my usual self a lot sooner. I am slightly better than I was when I wrote this post though now. Motivation is starting to return which can only be a good thing. I will definitely share the painting at some point.