It seems like time for a more positive post. Between all the stresses in life, and unwanted symptoms, hope seems to be forgotten. But hope is also important, and what moves us forward.
A few years ago, hope seemed an impossible dream. Nobody understood me or where I was coming from. Nobody respected me or my ideas. Family were holding me back, and friends were few and far between. But finally last year I was able to turn my life around. I now have good friends and a future. The worst of my demons have become part of my past, and not so much in the present.
I know the journey is long, but more recently I have been enjoying that journey more. And if I do take a wrong turning then the way back is a lot better signposted than it used to be. Wrong turnings don't always lead to setbacks, but detours. It might take longer to get back on track, but I don't need to find myself back at square one.
Thursday, 26 April 2012
Saturday, 21 April 2012
Aliens
There once was a time where I felt that I didn't belong on this planet. Well I say once but this is a feeling that has come and gone a number of times over the last few years. I can't say for certain when it started, but I suspect 2009 when people I know started criticising everything I said.
Most recently was Christmas, going into January. I was desperate to find my spaceship, that I believed had been stolen by those who were trying to get me to stay on the planet where I did not belong. I was frustrated, and desperate to get home. No longer am I searching for the spaceship, but even now there are times when I feel that actually I do not belong on this planet and it doesn't feel like home. Just thankfully not to the same intensity.
This blog is called 'Journey Through Space', but equally my life has been a journey through space. For now I guess I have given up trying to get home.
But could I name a time when I did feel 'at home'? I don't think so. Is it possible that back in 2006 I was just put on this planet, an alien disguised as human? Well there has certainly been times when that seemed the most likely option. I have had to get to a point where I could live on this planet without feeling that I am not supposed to be here. I have even had to get to a point where I appear as though I do belong here, so nobody caught on and tried to sabotage my returning home.
It might have been a case of disagreement. It might have been a case of wanting to escape my family once and for all. It could have been anything.
I don't know why I am writing this today. The thought just crossed my mind earlier that I should write about aliens on my blog, whilst I was randomly thinking about space travel and the impact it has had on my life. I know in some ways that this is just a follow on to my musings on philosophy and the nature of reality that I posted a few weeks ago. So sorry if I have repeated myself.
Most recently was Christmas, going into January. I was desperate to find my spaceship, that I believed had been stolen by those who were trying to get me to stay on the planet where I did not belong. I was frustrated, and desperate to get home. No longer am I searching for the spaceship, but even now there are times when I feel that actually I do not belong on this planet and it doesn't feel like home. Just thankfully not to the same intensity.
This blog is called 'Journey Through Space', but equally my life has been a journey through space. For now I guess I have given up trying to get home.
But could I name a time when I did feel 'at home'? I don't think so. Is it possible that back in 2006 I was just put on this planet, an alien disguised as human? Well there has certainly been times when that seemed the most likely option. I have had to get to a point where I could live on this planet without feeling that I am not supposed to be here. I have even had to get to a point where I appear as though I do belong here, so nobody caught on and tried to sabotage my returning home.
It might have been a case of disagreement. It might have been a case of wanting to escape my family once and for all. It could have been anything.
I don't know why I am writing this today. The thought just crossed my mind earlier that I should write about aliens on my blog, whilst I was randomly thinking about space travel and the impact it has had on my life. I know in some ways that this is just a follow on to my musings on philosophy and the nature of reality that I posted a few weeks ago. So sorry if I have repeated myself.
Sunday, 15 April 2012
Not feeling too creative right now
I've not bothered to post anything here lately, mainly because things are not going too well right now. I'm not ignoring you. I will get back to posting pictures and poems soon.
Every day is a battle at times like this. My anxiety has been through the roof lately. The reason is somebody I used to know has been a negative influence on me for a long time. I've known for years, but now everything is a lot clearer. Trying to stay in control and avoid the influences of this person is a full time job.
Taking a break, distracting myself, is all I can do. Perhaps that is all any of us can do at times like these. But sometimes that is just not enough. The need to escape, the 'impossible dream' (much as I hate the word impossible, because nothing is impossible), is all too often there and all consuming. The need to escape from the influences of the evil one is the need for a complete escape, so much more than a stop gap. All the time I need to break free, but all the time I am reminded that I cannot.
This ongoing frustration often comes up in my creative expression. I need to get it all out somehow, so that it doesn't eat me up inside and erode my personal identity. Surely it is not too much to ask that I can be myself, the me I have always been.
But though many battles are lost, the war is not over yet.
Every day is a battle at times like this. My anxiety has been through the roof lately. The reason is somebody I used to know has been a negative influence on me for a long time. I've known for years, but now everything is a lot clearer. Trying to stay in control and avoid the influences of this person is a full time job.
Taking a break, distracting myself, is all I can do. Perhaps that is all any of us can do at times like these. But sometimes that is just not enough. The need to escape, the 'impossible dream' (much as I hate the word impossible, because nothing is impossible), is all too often there and all consuming. The need to escape from the influences of the evil one is the need for a complete escape, so much more than a stop gap. All the time I need to break free, but all the time I am reminded that I cannot.
This ongoing frustration often comes up in my creative expression. I need to get it all out somehow, so that it doesn't eat me up inside and erode my personal identity. Surely it is not too much to ask that I can be myself, the me I have always been.
But though many battles are lost, the war is not over yet.
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