Wednesday, 27 March 2013

Searching for something...

But what, I don't know any more.

It doesn't seem appropriate at this time to post a picture or a poem. But I felt something had to be posted. It seemed at one point that 2013 could be a year of hope, but so far no hope has materialised. I have felt lower than I have for years. Nothing makes sense any more. Trying to escape the negative influences on my life in the hope of finding more positive ones seems so pointless as they always find their way back. I have put up boundaries against family (who are the worst people I have ever had the misfortune to come across) yet they are always walked all over. I have tried desperately to rebuild my life only for it all to fall apart again. Friends try to help but completely miss the point I am making. I haven't even been able to paint since January. Something has been missing, at least since Christmas.

The end of March was when I gave up drinking, back in 2007. Yet I don't see any point in caring about staying sober. It isn't that I want a drink. I know what a disaster my life was becoming back in my drinking days, that it made my depression so much worse. I just don't want to feel. Drink has always been my go to when things have gotten too much, which is why I can't drink. I am frustrated at always maintaining the status quo when I just want to get out of here onto somewhere I can be accepted for who I really am. Alcohol took me to a different place, not better but just different. And different is what I need.

I don't know where I can go from here. Nowhere even begins to appeal. I just want to be anywhere but here.


  1. My friend,

    I'm not going to use a whole bunch of jargon. You don't need that. I know of how life can put up the barriers. You want to get ahead and lead the positive life you so crave.

    In my own way, I'm like you. Yet, despite it all, I do try to find that somewhere that makes me happy. For what it's worth, I'm here and want you to visualise, despite the negative environment you have encountered, that there is a way forward. In peace and understanding.


  2. Thank you for your kind words, Gary.

    I suppose that any amount of time spent in a more happy place is something, perhaps more so when everything else is falling apart. I hope the way forward will become more obvious in the coming days.

  3. Lost in space, I know a lot of what you are feeling and I can imagine how much you are hurting. Please know that I am sending you all my best. Please do not give up on hope. I wish I could write more but my computer time is limited here in the library. I will be back soon, in the meantime hang in there.


  4. Thank you for your kind words, Madison.

    I am trying to hold on to some hope at this difficult time. Whatever you say means something to me, that somebody out there has heard. And that goes to all commenters. Sometimes we just have to ride out the wave.

  5. It's my first time here on your blog so forgive me if I speak out of turn without knowing much about you. Don't' give up on hope but rather continue to give it a chance and try out new things around you. It might sound silly but take a long walk, have lunch with a friend, go for a bus ride, think positive thoughts about how you can try to improve the future. Get some paint and do some artwork about how you might be feeling, join a class so that you can meet other people and start a new hobby etc Just thinking of ways of making life a little better bit by bit and day by day.
    I'll be back to see how you are doing but don't give up mate.

  6. Thank you for your kind words, Rum-Punch Drunk.

    You haven't spoken out of turn at all and I really appreciate your suggestions. At times like these it is easy to forget the small things that make life more pleasurable, and now is definitely the time to be appreciating all these things.