Do You See What I See?

Acrylic on canvas, 2010, 16" x 16".

There isn't really that much I can say about this painting, other than it is one of only a very small number of accurately detailed paintings I have done. I find it difficult to go into this much detail, and I prefer to work big. It is the meaning that is most important for me to get across.

The text is the words that he is saying to her, to torment her. "You will surrender to my demands."

What inspired this painting was that about a year earlier I had a period of bad insomnia, that led to me experiencing a number of unpleasant hallucinations. One of which was people I didn't recognise coming into my home even though my door is always locked. I always feared that they were there to attack me, and the fear of them returning when I was asleep only made the insomnia worse. In fact the most recent panic attack I had was when I saw somebody appear by my bedroom window one night and I became convinced that he was waiting for me to fall asleep so he could attack me. Even when he was gone I feared his return.

To be honest, I actually wonder if my so called psychosis is actually a combination of anxiety with insomnia.

Thankfully these hallucinations reduced when I got back into a better sleep pattern, but they didn't go away all together. Though the good thing is that now I can say that there has been a number of months since they tried to come into my life.

The Wall

Acrylic on canvas, 2010, 23.5" x 23.5".

No this was not inspired by the Pink Floyd album, much as I love PF. But more by feeling threatened (by the shadow man) and trapped. It took a number of months to complete, but I actually like working big and taking a lot of time with a painting. The painting developed as I worked on it, from a rough sketch on paper of only a trapped woman and a shadow man several times her size.

And again

Well it was quite a while ago that I received it, but I still wanted to acknowledge this award. Many thanks to Madison over at My Meddling Mind.

Thank you for appreciating my creativity, something that is of course so important to me and something that has been a key part of my recovery.

Moving forward

In the near future I will be taking the next big step on this journey through life. I feel both excited and anxious about this. But either way, I know that now is the right time to make this change in the right direction.

More than anything I want something positive to come out of everything I have been through over the last few years. I believe that I am on this path for a reason. I have changed a lot, I believe for the better. Well, I hope for the better! Back in 2007, when I first moved to the area I live in now, I was on a very different path. But that was a path on which I did not succeed, barely functioning and in the depths of depression and not to mention the paranoia and hallucinations that I also had. I was on a medication that not only didn't work, but actually made things a lot worse. I had no hope. My life was a mess, and I couldn't see a way out.

Looking back now, I am glad that I didn't succeed on my original path. For every door that closed, another opened. And now I find myself in a position where my dreams can become reality. I am happy that my life has changed, no matter what I had to go through to get here.

Little did I know back on that day at the beginning of last year when I found myself at my GP surgery begging for something to make the experiences I was having stop. Little did I know that I would eventually (actually not so eventually, it was about 18 months ago) end up making really big steps towards one of my most important goals in life.

Of course, my various creative ways have been a big part of my journey. And that is exactly how it will continue. Though I am adding time commitments, I still have plenty of time to be creative. I am going through a positive phase with my art right now, and that is something I would very much like to continue.

Wishing everyone who reads this blog success with their goals.

Broken Glass

Acrylic on canvas, 2011, 8" x 8".

At the time of painting this, I was working through and coming out the other side of paranoia I had experienced for a number of years. By breaking the glass through which they were spying on me, I was able to fight back. And by fighting back I could live in less fear.

I am glad that eventually I was able to see a way out of the mess I had gotten into. There has been a lot of emotions since the spring of 2011, when I finally went on a medication that helped reduce my symptoms and was also finally correctly (I hope) diagnosed. The journey has certainly had its ups and downs. But recently things have settled and I feel good. What is important now is keeping positive and continuing to move forward.